“I’m just…I’m just running out of hope.”
I read the words on my screen, but I heard them in my head in her voice. Tired. Drained. Defeated.
I asked the uncomfortable, necessary question; she told me she was not suicidal at that moment. She let me know that she had an appointment with her doctor the next morning, though, and she was determined to see life through until at least then. We chatted throughout the night – a comfort for her and a reassurance for me that she was still hanging in there. When an ocean and a handful of time zones separate you, you do what you can with limited options. Dawn came, and with it, her morning routine. She promised to send me a message after the appointment to let me know how it had gone.
I thought back to her statement, typed with such sad resignation: “I’m just running out of hope.” What was hope, exactly? I mean, I echo the Bible when I say that it is the anchor of my soul, and I echo To Write Love On Her Arms when I also say it is the anthem of my soul. But what does being an anchor and an anthem of my soul mean? Was hope as my friend saw it – some kind of finite resource, invisibly measured by a gauge like a tank of gas in my car? Was it like a staple that everyone empties grocery store shelves of before a snowstorm, like bread and water? How do you run out of something you can barely define without a dictionary?
As I pondered and processed, I took to my various social media accounts and asked people to finish the sentence: Hope is _______. Most answers were abstract; others were more concrete, and some…well, let’s just say that I was trolled by a few friends. There were answers grounded in faith, there were multiple Emily Dickinson quotations about “the thing with feathers that perches in the soul,” and there were several answers that defined hope as a belief, a feeling, or a mindset. Some mentioned what hope is not: blind optimism or a course of action (more on this one in a minute). By and large, the answers were great but still somehow intangible. So what does hope look like?
In my own life, when I am spiraling into a dark depressive episode and I choose to short-circuit the spiral by calling it a night and going to sleep, I do so with the hope that the sun will come up tomorrow. And if it is raining in the morning and I can’t see the sun, my hope is that the colors of everything the rain touches will be magnified as they normally are when wet, bold against the gray. My hope is for beauty in the bleakness.
Hope is knowing that sunrise will come, even in the midst of the darkest night.
Hope is searching for that sunrise. Hope is finding starlight in the waiting – maybe only a single star – and hanging on because where there is a little light, there must be more. Hope is finding no light but remembering starlight, moonlight, sunrise – and where light has been before, surely it can shine again.
In my work, anytime someone says “Hopefully, such-and-such happens,” it is common to remind them that “hope is not a course of action.” In the military, the details matter and have to be accounted for; hoping things come together without a plan for them to generally results in mission failure. So from a work perspective, I totally believe that hope is not a course of action. From a life perspective, I believe that hope may be the greatest course of action we could possibly have.
Hope is audacious, bold, defiant, and daring. It flies in the face of everything negative and refuses to give ground. Hope expects. Hope is action, even if that action is simply to breathe in, breathe out, and put one foot in front of the other.
Hope is choosing not to wall yourself off from people, feelings, experiences, love, and life because you have been devastatingly hurt.
Hope is communicating to someone that you’re having a tough time and could use some help.
Hope is answering that message with a message of its own: you are not alone. I am not alone. We are not alone. And isn’t that what we want so desperately to know? That we aren’t all by ourselves in this life?
Hope is not an island. Or if it is, it is ever-expanding and making room for others. Hope shares hope. Hope is sitting beside someone in their darkness and offering light. You may simply be a candle – a tea light, for crying out loud – but have you ever seen what a tiny candle can do in the darkest of places? Hope shares hope; light shares light. Does a candle lose anything by lighting another candle? No, but the darkness sure does.
Hope is many things, but the intangibleness of it somehow drives the most tangible actions. To live is hope, my friends. Deep, crazy, wild hope.
My friend went to her doctor’s appointment and was put on some new meds that should help to get her brain chemistry into a better place. She’s still hanging in there, as am I – and many of her friends. We are those persistent (read: pain in the rear) friends who won’t let her give up without a fight, and I think that candles are being lit. Her hope tank is slowly filling, and she’s finding a new reason each day to keep going. Like I said, to live is hope.
Live big. Hope big. And share that stuff everywhere, with everyone.